


So You Want to Adopt a Minotaur

by Kereea



Series: Perry the Evil-Adjacent Boyfriend [6]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), The Kids Get a Robot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 00:57:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17131985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: Phineas and Ferb really like Heinz's new creation...as soon as they realize he's not after their chariot race.





	So You Want to Adopt a Minotaur

 “So, we were watching Dad’s old gladiator documentaries and we had the _best_ idea!” Phineas explained over breakfast. “We’re going to have a chariot race!”

 “You’re doing what?” Candace asked.

 “Racing chariots!” Phineas said, pulling out a map. “We’ll start on Isabella’s street and make our way to the museum!”

 “Hmm…I don’t know if horses on city streets are the best plan…” Heinz mused, sharing a look with Perry.

 “You should have seen when they rustled cattle,” Candace muttered over her cereal.

 “We’re mostly sticking to the suburbs,” Phineas said, pointing at the map. “Wider streets, more interesting turns. That kind of thing.”

 “Also, our horses are made of lawnmowers,” Ferb said, pulling out blueprints.

 “These look okay to you?” Heinz asked Perry.

 Perry signed that there had better be helmets.

 “Oh yeah, we made a ton of cool helmets last night, we were just so excited!” Phineas said, holding up a huge bag and pulling out two covered in sculpted snakes. “Look, Vanessa and Candace can be the gorgon sisters!”

 “Like I’m going to race chariots,” Candace said.

 “Well, _I_ want to race chariots and I need a partner,” Vanessa said.

 “…Fine,” Candace said. “But if you guys start breaking traffic laws you are _so_ busted!”

 “Deal,” Phineas said.

.o.o.o.

 It only took Phineas and Ferb a few hours to complete their project for the day, and everyone got ready to race.

 “So, we have Candace and Vanessa as the Gorgons in the Hydra chariot, Burford and Baljeet as Bellerophon with the Pegasus chariot, Isabella and the Fireside Girls are the Amazons in the Roc chariot, and Ferb and I are Odysseus in the Horse chariot!” Phineas said. 

 “Wait, you just have a horse?” Candace said as Vanessa inspected their chariot.

 “Well, I mean, it’s wooden,” Phineas said. “…We were going for this Trojan Horse thing, didn’t really translate like we thought.”

 “We should have made it more rough-hewn,” Ferb mused.

 “Oh well, what’s done is done. Let’s get ready to _rumble_!” Phineas cheered. “…I can, I can’t really pull that off well…Isabella, can you use your announcer voice?”

 “I got you,” Isabella said. “RACERS, TO YOUR CHARIOTS! How was that?”

 “Awesome!” Phineas said.

.o.o.o.

 “He rented out a movie theater? This guy is such a drama queen,” Mystery complained as he and Peter headed inside.

 Peter nodded, only to snicker when they saw Perry with an usher’s flashlight. Perry gestured for them to head up front.

 Peter pretended he didn’t want to.

 Perry threatened to hit him with the flashlight.

 Mystery got fed up and stormed up front, where Heinz was already seated with popcorn…there was also a kid with a soda.

 “Yeah, somehow he got a ticket, no comment,” Heinz said before Mystery could ask. Peter and Perry joined them. “Shh! It’s starting!”

 “Pandas: some of the cutest and most adorable creatures in all of nature,” the voiceover boomed.

 Mystery snickered, looking at Peter. Peter scowled.

 “Pandas are…actually, they’re really not that much of a keystone species, but humans love them anyway and so we’re trying to keep them alive. But this is very hard. You see, many pandas are in danger. And why is this?”

 “This is pretty sweet,” the kid with the soda commented. Heinz glared at him.

 “Deforestation of their bamboo habitats, an intestinal tract design that is possibly trying to kill the species on its own, and growing so obsessed with imported anime shows that they forget to eat are all threats to the lifespan of the panda. However, there is a greater problem still…”

 “Here it comes!” Heinz said excitedly.

 “The enemy of the panda…is man.” The screen went black.

 “And there you go!” Heinz said, hopping up out of his seat.

 “…I’m sorry, what’s going on?” Mystery asked. “Is dorky movie time over now?”

 “Shut up, this is about Peter, and how his _reticence_ makes him a difficult nemesis to pin down. You’re a scrawny nerd, so you’re kind of easy to pin,” Heinz said.

 “Hey!” Mystery complained.

 “But Peter, Peter is _difficult_. He’s so closed off. And then I realized, I should defeat what makes him unique as an agent…his _panda_ - _ness_!” Heinz said.

 “…You know he’s not really a panda, right?” Mystery asked. “Seriously. Was his nemesis for like, a year. Can confirm: not a real panda.”

 Peter nodded, giving Perry a confused look. Perry grinned and shrugged. Apparently, he didn’t get it either but was on board anyway. That put Peter on-guard.

 “You see, you _see_! I’ve been trying schemes and traps and lasers, when all I needed was right in front of me all along!” Heinz said as a giant shadow appeared behind him on the screen. “So now, Peter the Panda, face down my giant…robot…man!”

 “I’m Norm!” the robot declared as it stepped through the screen. It zeroed in on Peter. “The Enemy of the Panda is Man.”

 “Why does it think you’re a panda? You don’t _look_ that much like a panda!” Mystery yelled as Peter grabbed him and started running. “This is ridiculous!”

.o.o.o.

 “Why did we give Buford spiked wheels?” Phineas asked Ferb as they raced through the streets.

 “We thought he’d like them, remember?” Ferb said.

 “Oh, oh yeah. Curse our good natures!” Phineas said. “Heh. I sounded like Dr. D there.”

.o.o.o.

 “What do we do against this thing? It’s big, but not big enough to fall badly for any square-cube law exploitations!” Mystery said as he and Peter ran out of the theater.

 Peter shrugged, and suggested trapping Norm.

 “We’re going to need a big trap…”

 “Please stop running. I need to destroy you!” Norm called.

 “Why did Doof make him so _cheery_?” Mystery mused as he dodged a punch from Norm.

 Peter shrugged, grabbing a rock off the ground and experimentally hurling it into Norm’s leg. It did nothing.

 Peter signed that Norm was study.

 “You _think_?” Mystery snapped as they raced towards Paul Bunyan’s Pancake House.

 “Hey, get back here, we want to watch!” Heinz called from a car.

 Peter stopped and shook his fist.

 “Dude, they stole your car,” Mystery said before pushing Peter out of the way of a kick from Norm. Norm’s foot hit the statue of Babe the Big Blue Ox, knocking the head off and making the statue crumble, dust flying.

 “Oof,” Mystery muttered, rubbing the dust away from his mask’ eyeholes and mouth. “Did they ever clean the inside of those things?”

 “The Enemy of the Panda is Man!”

 “Huh?” Mystery asked, seeing Norm get back up, the Babe head stuck over his own like a mask. “Peter’s not even…uh oh.”

 He caught a glimpse of himself in a window, with his now-pale mask with black patches at the eyes and mouth.

 “Oh, of course,” Mystery sighed. “AHHHHHH!”

 He took off running, racing into the street. Maybe if he was lucky, Norm would get hit by a car—whoa!

 He jumped before a small vehicle ran him over.

 “Hey, _this_ is why you shouldn’t jaywalk—Professor Mystery?”

  Mystery stared. It was Perry’s nephews…driving a chariot. He looked down—apparently, he was on some kind of motorized horse.

 Screaming again seemed a good option.

 “Hey, hey, what’s going…on?” Phineas asked at a loud bang. He and Ferb turned to see Norm.

 “Holy smokes, it’s the minotaur!” Phineas said.

 “I’m Norm!” the minotaur called.

 “It’s _Norm_ the minotaur!” Phineas said. “And it’s after…Professor Mystery for some reason? Are you okay?”

 “I want to _live_!” Mystery yelled, still clinging to the horse-mower.

 “You know, he reacted very similarly when Candace had him on the hover scooter,” Ferb noted.

 “Huh. Maybe he does better in enclosed vehicles…too bad this is a chariot race,” Phineas mused. “Don’t worry Professor Mystery, we’re almost at the museum!”

.o.o.o.

 “There’s Norm! What’s he chasing?” Heinz asked, squinting as he, Perry, and Peter rounded the corner.

 Perry pulled out his binoculars and looked before gaping.

 “What is it?” Heinz asked as Peter took the binoculars and had much the same reaction. Peter passed him the binoculars. “Oh, _schnitzel_ , the chariot race!”

 Perry and Peter nodded, and Peter pointed to his car.

 “Right! After those chariots!” Heinz agreed as they all got inside.

.o.o.o.

 “Why is Professor Mystery on the boys’ chariot? He is so busted!” Candace said.

 “Less busting, more race-winning!” Vanessa said.  

 “Wow, you are competitive,” Candace said.

 “If I win, I can convince Dad I’m a good enough driver for a car!” Vanessa explained.

 “I think you’re missing a few steps,” Candace mused, before looking behind them, “What is _that_?”

 “Norm the Minotaur!” Phineas called over from his chariot.

 “You made a _minotaur_?” Candace demanded.

 “He’s not ours!” Phineas insisted.

 “This is such a lovely meeting!” Norm the minotaur said.

 “What do you _mean_ he’s not _yours_?” Candace yelled.

 “Well, we didn’t make him!” Phineas said.

 “There can’t just be a random minotaur!” Candace argued.

 “This _is_ Danville,” Vanessa pointed out.

 “There’s the museum! We’re almost there!” Phineas said.

 “Phineas, reaching the museum does not _stop the minotaur!_ ” Candace screamed. 

 “Oh…uh…” Phineas mused. “What weapons did we give you girls? We only got cupholders, we were in a hurry!”

 “Ooh, spear!” Vanessa said as she picked up a pole and it elongated with a blade coming out one ended. “Try this, you big bully!”

 The spear bounced off Norm’s metal chest.

 “Oh, great. Metal minotaur,” Vanessa muttered.

 “Oh come on! Are you _sure_ he’s not yours?” Candace asked.

 “We’re s-s-s-s-s-ure!” Phineas said as they rode their chariots up the museum steps.

 A net came over Norm’s head.

 “It’s Isabella and the Fireside Girls!” Phineas said as they drove into the Ancient Greece exhibition. Phineas and Candace quickly turned their chariots to avoid slamming into the walls, pitching everyone riding them out onto the floor.

 “The Enemy of the Panda is Man,” Norma said, approaching.

 “There’s no panda here, you big dumb cow!” Candace shouted at Norm. “You’d better stop right now or you’re going to be _so_ busted!”

 “The Enemy…of…th…”

 Norm powered down as Peter jumped off his back, having used the net to reach Norm’s off switch. Peter dusted himself off as Norm fell over.

 “Candace defeated the minotaur!” Phineas cheered.

 “…Peter is literally right there,” Mystery said.

 “Yeah, but Candace turned him to stone!” Phineas said.

 “It’s a robot. That Peter turned off,” Mystery said.

 “Just let him stay in character, please,” Ferb said. “He’s having so much fun.”

 “Oh no, Norm! Oh, he’s okay. And the kids are okay. Phew,” Heinz said as he and Perry raced in.

 “Wait…is this _your_ minotaur, dad?” Vanessa asked.

 “He’s not a _minotaur_ , he’s a giant robot man I invented to defeat Peter the Panda,” Heinz said, pulling off the cow head.

 “…A giant robot…man?” Vanessa asked slowly.

 “Look, it made sense when I did it, _okay_?” Heinz sighed.

 Perry signed that Norm _had_ been unusually effective until getting involved in the race.

 “Can we keep him?” Phineas asked.

 “What?” Heinz asked.

 “He’s so cool!” Phineas said, Ferb backing the sentiment with a thumbs-up.

 “I…I mean, I guess he’s a good invention. Shame to let that go to waste,” Heinz admitted, eying Norm.

 “Take out the anti-Panda programming, though!” Mystery warned as Peter handed him a fresh mask, which he pulled over the dirty one for some reason.

 “Oh, yeah, sure. That was clearly not working right anyway,” Heinz said.

 “Peter’s not _really_ a panda!” Mystery added. “I mean…what was that?”

 “I _get_ it!” Heinz snapped.

 Perry signed that he had liked it. Peter asked if he was trying to start something. Perry replied that he’d be happy to remind Peter who was the better fighter.

 “Guys, we’re in a museum here,” Candace said.

 Peter and Perry nodded, letting it go. Perry asked if the kids had fun today.

 “It was so cool! We probably shouldn’t have put so many weapons in the chariots, though,” Phineas mused. “We just wanted to make it more like the real deal!”

 “The Fireside Girls’ net did help with Norm the Minotaur,” Vanessa said.

 “Oh, good point,” Phineas said. “Well, today was great! We just have to try to salvage the chariots and then we can head home!”

.o.o.o.

 “Hey Uncle Perry, what’s for dinner?” Candace asked.

 Perry pointed to the oven, where the interior light illuminated a casserole.

 “Cool. The boys and Dr. D still up in the lab?” Candace asked.

 Perry signed that they must be, since he hadn’t seen them.

 “Kay. I’ll go drag them down for dinner,” Candace said, rolling up imaginary sleeves.

 Perry chuckled as Vanessa came in and sank down at the table. He asked what was wrong.

 “I tried to use the chariot race to get a car. Dad still said no,” Vanessa sighed.

 Perry pointed out that neither she nor Candace had even passed their driver’s test yet.

 “Details, Perry. Details,” Vanessa said as Candace came back with her brothers and Heinz.

 Perry pulled out the casserole and served it, while Vanessa asked how Norm was.

 “Eh, okay. The anti-panda programming was easy to remove, but there’s a lot of childproofing I want to add if he’s going to be playing with the boys a lot,” Heinz said. “Also he’s going to get a recharge area up in the lab, he’s too tall for the doorways down here and I don’t trust him to not break them.”

 “Ferb totally improved Norm’s joints too, he can really move his limbs better now!” Phineas said. “And it’s fun seeing all the bells and whistles we can add.”

 “…How many of those were literal bells and whistles?” Candace asked.

 “Well, counting the jingle bells…gosh, at least fifty,” Phineas said. “Still, I can’t wait to play with him tomorrow!”

 “Hopefully I’ll have him done by then,” Heinz said.

 “We can help!” Phineas said. “I don’t care how long it takes!”

 Perry told them nice try, but Phineas and Ferb still had a curfew.

 “Awww.”

.o.o.o.

 Luckily for the boys, Norm was indeed done the next day. Phineas and Ferb were elated.

 “So, what do you want to do today, Norm?” Phineas asked after breakfast.

 “I do not know. What were you going to do today?” Norm asked.

 “Hm, what do you want to do, Ferb?” Phineas asked.

 Ferb pulled out a blueprint.

 “Sweet! I know what we’re gonna do today! Hm…how to get you to the Van Stomm yard…” Phineas mused, looking at Norm.

 “I can fly!” Norm said brightly.

 “Even better!” Phineas said. He leaned out the door, “Uncle Perry, Dr. D, can we fly Norm to our friends?”

 “One sec!” Heinz called back. The boys listened to him talk with Perry. “Yeah, yeah there’s seatbelts. Of _course_ I add GPS! Uh, huh, yeah, I think so. Cool. _Yeah, okay kids_! Wear the seatbelts!”

 “So cool!” Phineas said as they led Norm out to the balcony. Norm grew wings and two seats on his back. Phineas and Ferb climbed up and Phineas inspected the controls. “Okay, so we put everyone’s addresses in when we tweaked this…and here’s Buford’s!”

 He and Ferb cheered as Norm took off.

 “Are you enjoying the view?” Norm asked.

 “Looks great!” Phineas assured him as they landed in Buford’s yard.

 “Whoa, what’cha doin’ with that robot?” Isabella asked as the boy hopped down.

 “This is Norm! We wanted to include him!” Phineas said.

 “…Huh. Not a minotaur,” Buford noted.

 “Yeah, that was a misunderstanding,” Phineas said. “Ferb had a great idea for today: we’re going to teach Norm a ton of games! I don’t know why he wrote it on a blueprint though.”

 “I have a brand,” Ferb said, shrugging.

 “Branding is important,” Norm agreed. “So, what game should we start with?”

.o.o.o.

_A few hours and a game montage later..._

 “Hey, nerds, Mrs. Van Stomm had to run out, so I’m in charge!” Candace called as she entered the yard. “Buford, things are fine, she ran out of eggs.”

 “Oh, cool. I wasn’t worried,” Buford said a little too quickly.

 “Weren’t you hanging with Stacy today?” Phineas asked.

 “Stacey’s mom needed her for something, so I decided to come hang in Budord’s mom’s sweet hammock and things just worked out,” Candace said. “So. What’s going on with the big robot?”

 “I am the king of dancing games!” Norm said brightly.

 “…Hm. Dancing robots are only so bustable. Carry on!” Candace said, settling into the hammock with her magazine and phone. “Uh huh, I’m back Stacy. Yeah, Dr. D built this robot guy and Phineas and Ferb decided he’s their new buddy. Eh. Kids. So, are you at the doctor’s yet?”

 “I’m a buddy?” Norm asked excitedly.

 “You sure are, pal!” Phineas said.

 “This is the happiest day of my two-day life!” Norm said.

.o.o.o.

 “Yeah, no, still nothing,” Heinz said. “Maybe I got, like, over-focused in fixing Norm last night and, just, you know, all the inator ideas fell out one ear or something.”

 Perry nodded. He asked he should go get the Evil Inspiration Box.

 “What a wonderful idea!” Heinz said.

 Perry went and pulled the box out of its cabinet. Heinz usually kept it locked since some of its contents could be used for blackmail against him. Like pictures of him in dresses when he was kid.

 Perry rolled his eyes at the items from Roger’s campaigns in there as he sat it down. He asked if they inspired hatred because of Roger or because they were crappy, tacky crud.

 “Both really,” Heinz admitted. “I do like good craftsmanship. Seriously, this click-pen has such an inferior spring mechanism…”

 He clicked the pen idly. “Hmm…springs…springs…yeah nothing there.”

 Perry pulled out the pictures of baking soda volcanos.

 “No, the boys doing so well in the science fair ruined that one. Throw those away.”

 Perry tossed them over his shoulder as Heinz pulled out a bottle.

 “Of course!” Heinz said. “…Nope. Nope. Lost it.”

 Perry asked if they should just take the day off and get a late lunch.

 “Sure. Maybe we can weird the agents out by not doing evil, but because we were planning on doing evil we couldn’t call out. That’s kind of evil in itself,” Heinz agreed.

 Perry asked if they could do that sort of evil at the bistro by the park.

 “Sounds good to me!”

.o.o.o.

 “Candace, you’re in charge, right?” Phineas asked.

 “Yes, speak,” Candace said, not lowering her magazine.

 “Can we enter Norm into a dancing competition?” Phineas asked.

 “Check the rules to see if being a robot would be an unfair advantage,” Candace said.  “If you can’t get him in, give him his own social media dance channel instead or something.”

 “Candace, that’s brilliant! Norm’s brain is a computer, and we’ve barely told him about the internet!” Phineas said.

 “He’s only two days old, so he’s not old enough for a lot of sites,” Candace added. “You’ll have to control the accounts!”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Phineas said. “Norm, do you want to learn about the internet?”

Norm tiled quizzically, “Do they have fun games there?”

 “Yeah, even rhythm games!” Phineas said.

.o.o.o.

 “This is nice. We really haven’t gotten to have as many dates since the move, we should, we should work on that,” Heinz said as the waitress left with their orders.

 Perry nodded, noting that things had been a bit crazy lately what with moving and the new nemeses and such.

 “Yeah, but maybe that’s why I’m feeling burnt out, you know, things just being crazy. It’s nice to just have some us time,” Heinz said. “At least I don’t _see_ any agents spying on us too openly. That’d be weird.”

.o.o.o.

 “This is so much fun! I-”

 Norm’s eyes suddenly blinked out while he was playing _Tap-Tap Dance 8_.

 “Oh no, Norm!” Phineas said.

 “Did he run out of power?” Isabella asked.

 “Oh, crud, maybe,” Phineas said. “He might not have had enough time to fully charge last night once we finished working on him…”

 “Well, we can’t leave a big robot lying around Buford’s backyard,” Isabella said. “It’s going to rain tonight, he’d rust.”

 “Well everyone, let’s get our power generation on!” Phineas said. “We’ve got to wake Norm up!”

.o.o.o.

 “Hmm, it’s supposed to rain tonight and tomorrow, that’s kind of lousy,” Heinz mused. “Hope that doesn’t mess with the kids’ plans.”  

 Perry nodded as Heinz put his phone away. They’d decided on a walk in the park after lunch, since Evil was clearly out for the rest of the day/ 

 “You know, maybe taking a day off from the inators now and then is a good thing. Like, I don’t have any ideas right now, but I’m sure I will tomorrow,” Heinz said. They passed a guy feeding ducks bread. “Dude, don’t do that, ducks choke on that stuff.”

 The man coughed a “sorry” into his fist, tossing the bread.

 “It’s cool, not enough people know that,” Heinz said as they kept walking. “So, anyway, I can’t believe Vanessa thought she could leverage the chariot race into a car. Like, a chariot is not a _car_ , Perry!”

.o.o.o.

 “And my mom’s going to get her motorcycle back in _peak_ condition,” Buford checked before handing Phineas the jumper cables.

 “Oh, yeah. This should give Norm enough power to get home and start charging in his charge box, at least!” Phineas said. “We just need to give him a jump to activate the backup battery!”

 “All right. Candace, you’re in charge, you start the bike,” Isabella said.

 Candace nodded. “Okay, here we go!”

 She turned the keys and the engine revved.

 Norm powered back on. “Fun!”

 “He’s back! Okay, Norm, Norm, you’re low on power and we don’t know how long your backup will last! Get home and charge yourself, fast!” Phineas warned.

 “Okay!” Norm said, unclipping the jumper cables and taking off into the sky.

 “I hope he gets home okay,” Isabella said.

 “He’s a smart robot, he should,” Phineas said. “…But we might want to call Uncle Perry and let him know we just sent a robot man flying unsupervised through Danville. You never know.”

 Candace’s phone pinged. “Huh? I don’t know this number…oh. It’s Peter the Panda. He says he let OWCA know.”

 “Who?” Isabella asked.

 “His dorky spy agency that sends people to thwart Dr. D,” Candace said. “I guess since Norm was originally made to kick his butt, he’s been spying on the big guy all day.”

 “It’s okay, Peter! Norm’s fun now!” Phineas called loudly.

 Behind a tree out on the street. Peter laughed silently. The kids were a heck of a lot more fun to stalk that than their guardians, that was for sure.

.o.o.o.

 “Sorry we forgot about Norm’s power requirements,” Phineas said over dinner. “We’ll be more careful next time.”

 “Eh. He only flew through a few billboards on his way home, so no harm done,” Heinz said.

 Perry asked if they had fun.

 “Yes, yes we did,” Phineas said. “Though since Norm can entertain himself now, I’m not sure he’ll want to come out with us too much more.”

 “Well, he’s got his own phone, so he’ll be there if you need him,” Heinz said. “…But if he starts taking up too much of the broadband with his games, we’re going to have to do something.”

.o.o.o.

 “I can’t believe you made me spy on a date,” Mystery groused.

 “To be fair, they kind of did that last minute,” Carl said. “Sorry, guys. But good job today!”

 Peter added that he’d needed to use a burner phone to text Candace.

 “Um…I’ll see if I can add the cost of that to your business expenses, but no promises,” Carl said. “Good job guys, sorry you ended up having such a long day!”

 As the screen cut, Mystery turned to Peter, “Did you know you’re not supposed to feed ducks bread?”

 Peter looked stunned.  

**Author's Note:**

> "It's NORM the Minotaur!" is still one of my favorite jokes from the show, I had to do it. 
> 
> So now Norm's joined the family! The kids accidentally used up almost all his power today, not helped by the fact that he didn't have time to finish charging after Dr. D was done upgrading him, so Phineas, Ferb, and Heinz are probably going to work on his power conservation. He's also got some fun things to do to entertain himself when not onscreen in other fics, since you can only work in a giant robot man so easily. 
> 
> Professor Mystery is really good at covert work since no one actually know what he looks like.


End file.
